February 09, 2025: “When Compassion Isn’t Easy”

Rev. Susan Frederick-Gray

We all know times when being compassionate is not easy. How do we cultivate compassion even for those we are in conflict with? What does this even mean or look like and why would we even try?

Graphic by Tanya Webster.

View the video archive of this service here:

Sermon Transcript

02.09.2025 "When Compassion Isn't Easy"

UU Church of Bloomington, IN

Rev. Susan Frederick-Gray

READINGS

(Black History month, intentionally looking to the wisdom of Black writers, activists, scholars and artists). Two readings this morning, each by important Black women
writers and scholars.

The first is from the feminist theologian bell hooks, from neighboring Kentucky. This is from a conversation that hooks had with the poet, writer and civil rights activist Maya Angelou.

Bell hooks said, “For me, forgiveness and compassion are always linked: how do we hold people accountable for wrongdoing and yet at the same time remain in touch with their humanity enough to believe in their capacity to be transformed.”

And our second piece of wisdom is from Maya Angelou, and I came across this during a retreat with our Coming of Age class of youth. (Explain Ange-low). In an interview she said,

“If I think of my life as a class, and what I’ve really learned, I’ve learned a few things. First, I am aware that I am a child of God. It’s such an amazing understanding to think that the “it” that made fleas and mountains and rivers and stars made me. What I pray for is humility. To know that there is something greater than I. Then I have to know that the brute, the bigot and the batterer are all children of God whether they know it or not, and I am supposed to treat them accordingly. And it’s [this is] hard and I blow it all the time.

“I’d liked everybody to think of a statement by Terance, (that statement is) “I am a human being. Nothing human can be alien to me.” If you can internalized at least a portion of that, you will never be able to say of an act, a criminal act “I couldn’t do that.” No matter how heinous the crime. If a human being did it, I have all the components that are in her or in him. [So] I intend to use all my energies constructively as opposed to destructively.”

Note that “Terence” refers to the Roman playwright of the 2nd century B.C, “Terentius Afer.” Terance was african, from Carthage, and a slave, sold to a Roman senator, who later freed him. And he became one of the most popular and notable playwrights in Rome.

SERMON When Compassion Isn’t Easy

On the theme of compassion, last Sunday, we explored love and compassion as the foundation of our values as Unitarian Universalists. I ended my sermon saying, “Choosing love is choosing to remain connected to the humanity of others and your own. It is powerful – even if means we are more open to heartbreak. And it is the only path that leads to peace, the only path that fosters a deeper and widening connection to others, the only path to a greater understanding of our interdependence and connection with all life and creation, the only path to growing in our humanity.”

This understanding and practice of compassion is reflected in Maya Angelou’s wisdom as she reflects on what it means that each of us is a child of God (and if God language does not work for you, understand that she is also saying that each of us is a child of creation, arising from the same sources of all life on earth), a part of the whole that is existence. It is also echoed in Terence’s words that she quotes, “I am a human being. Nothing human can be alien to me.”

Angelou’s words, Terence’s words are challenging. How often do we want to separate ourselves from what we witness in humanity as sinful or evil – to hold it apart and separate from ourselves. But the danger of allowing that sense of separation is that is often gives license to practices that dehumanize. We don’t need to look far back in our U.S. history – to the times of Indian removal, chattel slavery, or today to mass incarceration to see how believing ourselves separate (which too often means above or superior) from others fosters atrocities. And when we see the negativity, the cost of ideas of separation – then we have to be careful not to reinforce themselves. Even in ways we believe are helpful.

For when we begin from a foundation of understanding our fundamental, existential, interconnectedness with all life, this can invoke a care in each of us to do our part to nurture these bonds of connection – not through domination and exploitation – but with care, and love, and joy, and peace.

But here’s the rub. It easy to have compassion for our friends and loved ones and even strangers whose pain we can feel, but today, let’s talk about compassion when it isn’t easy.

I imagine a number of us have had the experience of loving an addict, or loving someone who is abusive to themselves, or others, or even to us. This is one of the most difficult experiences in life. The anger, the self-blame, the heartbreak and worry, the helplessness, the danger of loving someone who is hurting themselves or you. Where does compassion belong in this situation?

It is a false definition of compassion, to believe that it requires us always to sacrifice ourselves for another person. To feel like we are required to endure suffering. Yes, sacrifice can be – even often is – a part of healthy relationships. We certainly make sacrifices for our children and for things we care about. But there has to be mutuality in our adult relationships that involves the sharing of sacrifice and the prohibition of abuse and violence, so that each person in the relationship can grow and develop and thrive.

You see, a principle of compassion is that it begins with compassion for ourselves. You know that old adage, you can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself first. It is true. The strength and health of our relationships grow from a foundation, first, of our respect and love for ourselves. We have to know that we are worthy of respect and care, and need safety, self-determination and agency in our lives.

When we start with self-compassion, we understand that we can love someone while also making decisions that keep us safe, that prioritize our well-being, and that sometimes the way we love someone is by letting go of our feeling of responsible to fix or save them. This is called boundaries, and establishing healthy boundaries is an act of compassion for ourselves. Boundaries protect us from harm; and allow us to extricate ourself from situations are harmful; and we can create boundaries without cutting off compassion.

For all of us who have loved an addict, we know that navigating these relationships is a life long journey. A few things I have had to learn in the journey is that each of us has to want to save our own lives. Others can help us and are needed in our own healing, but it has to start with our own decision – and no one else can make that decision for us.

Another learning – and this was the harder but more transformative part of the journey, was the discovery that in finding compassion (and not just pity; but compassion); also meant finding forgiveness.

As bell hooks said, “forgiveness and compassion are always linked: how do we hold people accountable for wrongdoing and yet at the same time remain in touch with their humanity enough to believe in their capacity to be transformed.”

These words seem simple, but there is depth and challenge in them. It matters that hooks names accountability. Accountability matters. Harm needs to stop when it is
happening. Responsibility for our own actions is crucial. But without compassion and forgiveness, we turn only to punitive actions as the only path to accountability. And this usually leads to further escalations of harm.

Understanding that accountability, compassion and forgiveness are connected create the possibility – not the guarantee, but the possibility that individuals, relationships, community can be transformed.

“Forgiveness and compassion are always linked.” Thinking about forgiveness in the context of relationships that have cause serious harm can be a hard pill to swallow. And it is okay if you are not there yet. Forgiveness takes time. And honestly, I think forgiveness is ultimately a gift of grace. I don’t think we can make ourselves forgive someone who has hurt us deeply. All we can do is want to forgive and prepare ourselves – make ourselves open to forgiveness. And then sometimes, with time, it comes. And when it does, it is an incredible gift, a liberating gift.

Of course, forgiveness is one thing when there is accountability, apology and repair. The harder form of forgiveness is when that repair isn’t possible because a person can’t acknowledge the harm they caused, sometimes it is not safe to seek the restoration of relationship, sometimes death robs us of our chance to repair. And yet, forgiveness still matters. For it is about transforming our anger and hurt so that we can be free of it of its weight and ongoing damage.

A word on anger. Anger is the reasonable response to having our person or our values violated. That bears repeating: Anger is a completely appropriate response to having our person or our values violated. Don’t hear me say, we cannot and should not feel anger when we are hurt. Some acts, some violations, things that are happening right now that are putting so many peoples’ lives and livelihoods at risk – that makes me
angry. I’ve heard many of you name anger as something you are feeling. It is with good reason.

So, let’s be clear. Compassion is not the opposite of anger. In fact, anger can arise
because of our compassion for ourselves and others. The challenge is how to use our anger to motivate action; and not let it explode – driving us to rage and hurt others;
or implode – turning it on ourselves where it is more likely to become depression or
self-harm.

The image of the burning bush that Moses sees in the desert in the Hebrew Bible is a great one for thinking about anger. For it is a bush that is on fire, but not being
consumed. How can we use our legitimate anger in ways that motivate us to positive, creative action and resistance, but which don’t consume us or burn others?

When I was deep in the migrant rights movement in Phoenix, I had to navigate so much anger and heartbreak – usually at the same time. And I struggled to find compassion for Sheriff Joe Arpaio whose sadism and corruption hurt so many people. And yet, I could usually find compassion for him – I could recognize he was human, like me and I was not alien from him. Though, I wasn’t perfect at it. Honestly, as Maya Angelou said, “It is hard and I blow it all the time.”

However, this recognition, this compassion is not the same as forgetting, or absolving or condoning injustice. No, instead, it was freeing in a way that allowed me to not fixate on the one causing harm, but to instead focus on the work of building solidarity, protection and resistance against the policies of harm. And perhaps more importantly, it can help shift our anger into investment in solidarity, friendship, partnership, risks for justice – turning that energy to being a counter force to work to end abuses.

In the end, why does this really matter? Couldn’t we just hate the people harming our loved ones and our community? Dr. King said, “hate is too great a burden to bear.” And right now, we have enough burdens to bear and don’t need hate as another one.

Recognizing the reality of evil and harm, and yet acknowledging our shared humanity, then, as Maya Angelou says, our work is to put all of our energies into what is constructive. We see what is possible through negativity and she asks us to imagine what is possible when we invest all we can from a positive foundation – into nurturing what is constructive. And so compassion as a way of being in our lives, even when it is hard – even when we blow it all the time – asks us to keep nurturing what is good – to put all our energies into building, and organizing, helping, creating solidarity and collective care – never seeking to destroy or deny another person’s life or dignity – but always, putting our energy into what is creative, loving and life giving. It is the only way we don’t
reinforce damaging cycles in our work for peace and justice — the only way we wholly create freedom.

I’ll end with these words from bell hooks summarizing the importance of always
choosing love. She writes:

“The moment we choose to love, we begin to move against domination,
against oppression. The moment we choose to love we begin to move
towards freedom, to act in ways that liberate ourselves and others.
That action is the testimony of love as the practice of freedom.”

May we remember how deeply intertwined love and freedom are.

• •

BENEDICTION

Friends, as we leave this sacred place today, recognizing all the challenge
and tumult of our days, let us attend to the practice of love.

May we remember to praise this gift of life, to be awakened to it wonder and its beauty. May we kindle more joy, more love and more song in our hearts and into our days.

May we be led out in peace and may we give back love.